No Discipline ≠ Spoiling

I hear other parents often talk about how their child is so strong-willed as if it's abnormal.  When a child doesn't want to leave the park, she is strong-willed and stubborn.  A child takes his time getting to the car, he is strong-willed.  A child asks for a toy and throws a fit when she doesn't get it.

It's natural for a child to be strong-willed.  They are still learning that their needs and wants aren't the only needs and wants in the world.  I feel it's my job as a parent to teach my children empathy without breaking their will.  When I impose discipline, such as a time out, several negative things happen: I am no longer my child's ally, I am ignoring her feelings, I am leaving her alone without any coping mechanisms, I am teaching her that her feelings are bad or wrong somehow.

People often confuse the no discipline approach with spoiling.  Just because I don't put my child in time-out doesn't mean I give into all her tantrums and give her everything she asks for.

So how do I handle tantrums?  First off, I try to prevent them.  I know if my daughter is playing and having fun at the park and I grab her off the slide and say it's time to go, she's going to have trouble with the sudden transition.  So I give her a countdown, and then when it's time to leave I help her with the transition.  We say bye to the swings, bye to the slides and by to the park.  Is she happy to leave?  No, but she's not screaming and crying.

If she wants something that she can't have, I don't just say no, I acknowledge how my "no" will make her feel.  I say, "I know it's disappointing, but you can't have that right now."  This has about a 50% success rate in preventing a tantrum.  When the tantrum happens I continue to acknowledge her feelings and let her know I'm there for her when she's ready.

What I notice is when we start to lose our connection with our toddler is when she starts acting out more.  That is when I make it a point to spend time reestablishing our attachment. When she once again feeling securely attached to me she is 90% angel.

I believe having a mentor type relationship, instead of a dictator type relationship will help my girls develop into strong, confident adults.  And after all, we're not raising children, we're raising adults.